I have never, ever done this before.
I’m standing on a precipice, friends. I’m on the verge of doing something I have never, ever done before.
I have some fear, but I also have a sense of peace around the decisions I’ve made.
This year has been rough with a capital R. Family drama. Check. Emotional Trauma. Check. Financial Stress. Double Check. Pet health scares. Check. My own health scares. Check. Business pains. Check. Tree falling and missing the house by literally 3 inches. Check. Anxiety. Check. Fear monsters. Full force check.
In the wise words of Jack Black, and also in his accent in the classic, Nacho Libre, this year has been a “doozy.”
But if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I choose not to dwell in the negative. I’m a big fan of giving myself a little space to wallow because I need that sometimes, but I actively try not to stay in that space for very long because I know that no good will come of it.
And even though this year has been a doozy, I’m really grateful for it. At the time that all of this was reaching its climax I wasn’t, of course. I’m only human and I cannot always see the forest for the trees, but now, looking back, I can see the power that came from my deep pain.
I had to break down to build back up.
Or more specifically, I had to shatter my self limiting beliefs in order to replace them with newer, healthier, more empowered ones. Had I not experienced all this pain and stress in a fairly simultaneous fashion, I wouldn’t have cracked like I did last March (way more on that later… I have much to share with you all). I had to undo years of conditioned behavior and perfectionism. I had to get to a point where I was so sick of the tapes and tendencies playing on repeat in that version of myself, that I had to shed that self altogether.
So now, I’m happy to report that I am fully cured and officially, 100% a totally different person.
But I will tell you this: I am a much, much healthier version of the human I was at the beginning of this year.
The breaking down and peeling back of all these layers that I thought I had addressed, but really hadn’t, taught me something essential about myself. I have never put the full weight of my own belief behind my projects. I have consistently doubted myself (that’s normal). I’ve consistently, though subconsciously, sought approval from a very specific person in my life. I have consistently created things and then found excuses not to release them out of fear. (Y’all, I have 2 finished songs that have been done for over a year! I have unpublished blog posts, manuscripts, freebies, instagram content, and ideas that have never seen the light of day. The list goes on and on and on…)
Before I cracked in March, I thought I had been showing up at full capacity all this time, but I was wrong. This year taught me that I had been missing an essential ingredient: real belief in myself.
I had to figure out how to stand up amidst the doubt, approval seeking, fear, unpublished creations, etc. that were weighing me down. I had to actively choose to see through a different lens. A lens where I still walk forward despite doubt. A lens where I let go of what this person is going to think or say and believe because I have not fully gotten their approval ever and I cannot keep shrinking myself while making major life decisions because of this fact. A lens where I acknowledge my fear but also tell it that my heart is taking the lead. And a lens where I hit publish and release these creations because they are part of who I am and creating feels like breath to me.
Friends, belief in myself is not the absence of doubt – it’s the bravery to expand past it.
I feel like the immense pain and discomfort of this year squeezed me out of my old form and into a newer, higher vibe, expanded, and spacious form. One where I respect myself a lot more. One where I walk around a little lighter. One where I treat myself much more gently. One where I forgive myself much more willingly. And one where I show up fully for my creations – no more hiding them in a corner on one of my many external hard drives.
And this brings me to the thing I have never, ever done before: invested in myself.
Friends, besides college, I have never really invested my own cold hard cash in my own projects. I have boot strapped everything. I started by branding business by charging $300 on my credit card and then did everything else myself. Much of this was out of necessity and I think its awesome that I’ve been able to create a lot from so little, but here’s my dirty little secret: I didn’t believe in myself enough or feel worthy enough to market my brand. Of course, I didn’t fully understand this while all these things were going down. I just chalked it up to not being able to justify the expense if I could figure out a way to do it myself. Smart… sometimes.
And that’s what I’ve done. I’ve tried to do everything myself. And at this point, in the last quarter of 2019, I can take myself no further on my own. So, I hired a marketing expert. I took money that I had saved for a new computer and my trusty credit card and I leapt into the unknown.
I’ve been quiet this year. I haven’t blogged. I haven’t vlogged. I haven’t sent emails or updates really. I’ve been focused on my healing and my expansion – and the result of that was a meteor of creativity. So while I’ve been publicly quiet, I’ve been privately creating.
And because I’ve been doing the work of letting go of so many of my self limiting beliefs, I’m walking willingly into new territory. I’m putting my money where my creations are and hiring a team to help me share them with the world because I believe these creations will empower people. I’m putting my bootstraps on the shelf for a bit.
I still have doubt. I still have fear. I still have anxiety around money and spending it on myself. But I also have this immense sense of confidence and pride that I am actively placing my belief back into myself where it belongs. This outweighs the doubt, the fear, and the anxiety.
Friends, where are you placing your belief? Are you giving it to others who may or may not give it back to you? Are you placing it in the outcome of a project you have no control over? Or are you actively placing your belief where it belongs? – in yourself.
I’m not trying to persuade you to put down large chunks of money on something that hasn’t hatched yet, but I am telling you to do so when it has.
You matter to me. Your time matters to me. Thank you for reading this. May you go into your day with a renewed sense of self confidence and the bravery to bet on your own ideas.
Light, Love, & Peace,
J A C L Y N